Getting fucked with

I had returned to work after a break last year on disability. I had returned part time and was just going to stay part time for a few months or more. Next thing I knew they were demanding that I come back full time, because they were so short and it would be for the good of the department. I really feel like I agreed to that under pressure and such duress is bad. Therapist said to refuse ultimatums.

I had been planning out chiropractor appointments and physical therapy along with a neurologist appointment a few months away. The doctor said my MRI says I’m aneurysm free, but apparently not damage free. Apparently I had nearly had my neck broken at some point, go figure.

Now, a new manager is trying to change my schedule. I was told to start the new schedule tomorrow morning. I have to refuse, I have an appointment in the morning. I barely feel like working today now. Put me in a bad mood for sure. I may have to return to disability and take time off, maybe I should just get the neck and spine surgery. This is too big of a change, especially when I’m really making progress. At least I really felt like I was. My parents had a great lawyer, if nothing goes well, I may reach out to him. I guess worst case scenario, they tell me I’m fired after everything and then I go on unemployment. I’ll make things work, but they’ll be out another employee, when they are already forcing these changes on people in order to manage their low employees numbers. No one is hiring fast enough in any department, but I can’t concern myself with that. That’s not my fault.

When I started this workday I was told to wait and to talk about these changes. When I told him it wasn’t going to work he said it was coming from the manager above and we could call him. I, of course said “let’s call him up.” He’s not even at work and isn’t answering his phone today. Why ask me to call him if you know that already? Maybe he thinks this is a game? I’m no negotiator or businessman, but my therapist said I’m very protected by the accommodations for Americans with disabilities act and now I’m just waiting for my doctor to get back to me about that paperwork. Here I am at work kind of mad, but somewhat indifferent. I don’t know anymore. I’m having a hard time setting this aside while I’m at work. They’re making me make phone calls and file paperwork. I hate this, but I have to do it. Feels litigious and lame.

Ok, you can touch me…

Just working and trudging along through my day. The newest chick at work decided to take a nap by me in my office. My loud ass office. Maybe she’s like a cat and she’s showing that she trusts me by napping around me. She sure does touch me a lot. She even did one of those “Didn’t mean to hit you so hard,” and hit me again. Yeah, she’s definitely flirting. That’s fucking cute.

She’s been there when someone else slapped me on the back as a greeting and even heard me threaten to dislocate his fingers if he does it again. She’s pretty brave.

Diagnostic

I don’t know what I don’t know what I don’t know what I don’t know. Well, I’m going to find out. My doctor’s office called and said my insurance wanted me to do a CT scan before the MRI. Sure, why not throw some extra radiation through my brain? Makes sense, probably. I thought my PPO was cool. The worst part is I couldn’t schedule a good time. I got to get to this in the morning before work. What a hassle. I’ve been trying out some of these Energy drinks with creatine I’m them. I think my shoulder has calmed down enough. At least I’m not taking Tylenol anymore. Makes me too sleepy.

catching up

Saw my favorite cousin with our moms on Mother’s day. He was surprised to see how much weight that I’ve lost in only a couple months. He wants to lose weight too and had a lot of questions. I hope he moves back to the state. He’s had more health problems than I ever had, I even dislocated his finger once when we were kids. He was surprised that I’m getting an MRI scan and said that I looked fine. I got to know, especially after I noticed how quick my doctor agreed that I probably should get one after showing her the muscle tone disparity on each side. I told him I got some great insoles, but now that shin splint just moved and turned into a shoulder splint and it hurts to sneeze. It feels about the same. I better go easy for another week.

Boring assed psycho-cybernetics

I found it for free to listen to on YouTube, but jeez it’s boring compared to the summary. I think I only made it two hours before needing to stop myself from falling asleep at work.

The intro is all name drops and celebrity and sports personality testimonials. I can’t make myself care. The first chapters are about self image and imagination. Maybe it’s the narrator, but I don’t feel like I learned anything new in those two hours. Not to mention that it gets all higher-powery and spices itself up with woo woo. I’m sure there’s good ideas in there, but entertaining it is not. Oh well, at least it’s free. Free sleep aid.

Overdoing it

I got carried away and tried adding extra exercises, now my left shoulder is a painful son of a bitch. Switching to minimum exercise for the week. I’ve been sticking to my plans and doing my thing, I hate this I feel like it’s slowing me down.

It always feels like getting into shape is always 80% pain management. Negotiations are mostly emotional according to the book Never Split the Difference. Seems like negotiating with yourself is 100% emotional. How much pain can you demand that you make yourself take? Probably a lot, however it’s annoying and nagging. It’s going to give you an angry and annoyed attitude. Better to take breaks. I’m trying to be nicer to myself.

I really should go out for a few drinks or something. Some newer chick at work was talking about getting drinks last Friday, but my oblivious ass didn’t notice she was asking me for drinks until it was hours later. Oops, well it’s probably for the best. If she ever brings it up again, I’ll pay more attention and probably go with. I doubt she will, people rarely do take that kind of risk twice. I was too busy thinking about making screwdrivers at home, but I never did get to the store. Some drinks would shut my stupid shoulder up for a while.

Got to give myself something or I’ll start just giving up. Results are great, proof is in the pudding and seeing them is a good motivator, however even that isn’t enough. Seems like negotiating with yourself over balancing pain management is getting tricky. Vacation, yeah. I need to go drink and relax at a resort or something with a beach. Maybe I should plan a trip to Puerto Rico. My dad says my uncle would probably let me stay with them, but I think I’d rather stay at a hotel right on a clean beach. I’ve only ever been to Puerto Rico as a teenager. I think I really want to go again. Probably way more fun alone. I guess I’ll plan it out so I can change my mind about it.

Spine tingler

You know you lose weight thinking that it’s the only reason that you’re in pain, when it’s not. That fat really masked everything. Here I am running on a flat foot like an idiot thinking “weightloss fixes errything!” It usually always does or you forget whatever was bothering you anyway. Thankfully I was whining about it at work and my favorite co-worker told me to go to New balance or fit-whatever just to get my feet scanned to get the right orthopedic insoles instead of buying their expensive ones.

When I got to the store I just bought their expensive insoles, I kind of felt like I had to. I got to the store in my beat up dirty Sketchers and the store saleswoman just jammed her hands all up into my shoes to tear out my crusty old insoles with her bare hands, before putting expensive insole into ancient shoes. I was too in shock, I was thinking “…eww, you don’t even know me. Go wash your hands.”

Expensive, however, I’ve been using the one set of insole in both my work boots and gym shoes and I’ve been getting this static-y tingle in my back right under my left shoulder blade. It feels great, and I don’t want it to stop. I just hope I don’t wear these insoles down too soon.

I really should have been wearing something like this a long time ago, would have made everything a lot less painful. Imagine not associating working out with being in pain all the time, that kind of thing will probably give you a negative opinion of running for sure. You might do silly things like focus on strength training hoping that you can get a good enough cardio work out from that. Don’t be ridiculous. Or do, people seem to always find a way to get it to work for them, kind of hard to repeat what they do when you’re dealing with a lack of twitch muscle on one side of your body or something though. I can see reasons why that could be helpful.

I can see reasons why my friend is helpful.

57/100

Silly ideas

I was watching some Earl Nighting gale video about being creative. I like the part about lateral thinking. It’s hard to figure out what an original thought is from stuff you’ve heard or seen sometimes, however you never can tell when you have thought up a new idea unless you ask around. If you ask around, you might have your idea stolen and that’d be a shame. If anything they’ll forget who said it to them and think it was their idea.

I thought I had a good one a few years back, I must have been pretty excited thinking about it. I wanted to use the companies that make cruise ship rooms to make housing. I remember seeing the video on cruise ship of how the rooms were built. Every room was it’s own module that they seemed to slide into place. I like that, I also liked someone’s computer tree module idea. I remember bringing it up to some family, but I guess I sounded like a nut so they didn’t really care or understand. I’m not sure if these companies are already making housing too or if they can. Maybe they can only work on ships, maybe they don’t have to follow strict building codes. Maybe they use extra cheap materials. They can make these compact rooms.

The idea probably seems dumb, maybe it’s pointless. People already have homes and are building cheap housing, big deal. I wanted it for more than just cheap small housing, I wanted to see people use them to move quickly. Moving across the country? Call the company to move your whole unit without you even needing to pack. Add a party bus to the truck and move in style. You’d need to build garage shaped docking units to connect the modules up to power, gas, and water. I always thought it be cool to buy a small house in every city you love to visit and keep a clothes and things you need there so that you never needed to pack a suitcase. Imagine how cool it would be to just take your house with on vacation. Too many souvenirs to bring on the plane? Not to me.

You’d probably need some good security on these things, but I think it could be great. I remember being really focused on this for a while, but I didn’t hear any enthusiasm reflected when I brought it up to people, so I dropped it. I’m no busines guy, I wouldn’t know how to get this off the ground. I’m sure it would take a stupid amount of money that I’ll never have, so it’s a useless Idea that I guess I’ll give up. I hope someone steals this idea or is already in the process of making this happen so I can travel around like a party bus snail.

Hmm, I guess I hate moving this much.

Psycho-cybernetics

How did I get here? I’m looking up psycho-cybernetics, because I’m looking up Maxwell Maltz, because I’m looking up cybernetics, because I was looking up Norbert Weiner, because I was looking up, Alan Watts, because I was looking up watts, because I was looking up power, because I didn’t know what phantom power was, because I was looking up microphones and feedback loops, because I heard Phantom Power a song by Dirtball on his album Crook County.

Phantom power, “where are you getting this energy?” I’ve asked myself that once or twice. Something is transforming energy and preserving the frequency of my routines and keeping me balanced.

Feedback is too powerful and important. We do move in circles and act in cycles based on feedback. “I’d appreciate your input.” You need that feedback for course corrections, so that you can keep heading towards a goal that you imagined. Past success and failure is feedback, but if you never kept track of it or don’t remember it it is useless. It’s probably unhealthy to dwell on failures, but don’t forget them. Too much feedback is too overwhelming since the subconscious mind is a cybernetic mechanism that accepts goals and retains information based on emotions. You can be encouraged and discouraged by bad feedback very quickly. I encourage myself to write down silly thoughts while I’m at work no matter how much I get interrupted, and I’m pleasantly surprised if I seem a little coherent. I need to give myself feedback and keep track. Feedback from friends and girlfriends are too powerful and encouraging. I imagine my being happy when in a relationship makes me want to change nothing. Why would I want to change anything once my subconscious notices how happy I am? Next thing you know my subconscious is denying all my goals and I will stagnate and regress into a goal free dumbass. Story as old as time.

When I’m unaware of my goals, I’m lost. I won’t know what steps to take next. I’m sure that I’ll ask for advice from the nearest person who seems to have a clue. I at least have to aim myself in the general direction of something that interests me.

Everyone is a cyborg now, I know that I can’t live without machines. Now, I need to check out Maltz’s book. Fun stuff to think about, seems interesting.

Love stupid

I’ve been listening to Blue October’s album This Is What I Live For. I remember not liking the band originally because Dirt Room sounded nothing like the rest of their CD. They grew on me. Love Stupid was pretty good.

I can think of plenty of times that I got love stupid. I was always so love retarded, so forgetful. Lazy, forgetful, agreeable, and damn near having self negligence. Scattering priorities all over the place and dropping routines. After enough failed relationships, you would think I would have figured it out sooner. I probably shouldn’t count the ones lasting more than a year as failed, we went the distance at least. There’s just something about women that make me laugh. The women who crack me up are the ones that I always seem to date the longest, or was I only amused because I thought they were attractive? It’s probably a combination of the two, plus some people got it and some people don’t. I probably imagine these hilarious women are rare, but I will laugh at the dumbest jokes sometimes probably making me too easy. I can never forget times where we were both laughing during sex after a loud qweef or something, followed by passionate kissing to shut each other up. That shit is the best, it’s no wonder that it makes me retarded.

It’s no wonder my mind drifts to the funniest and sexiest memories while I’m bored and daydreaming, they synch up often. Funny women like to do silly stuff in bed, and I’m always so happy about that. Sexiness is funny and funniness is sexy, giving me a ridiculous pornographic memory.

Holy crap did I lose track of what I was even writing about. Got myself daydreaming again, that’s too easy to fall into. I have a powerful weakness for goofy women, love them. Unforgettable stuff really. Crap, maybe I need to visit a strip club, have a few drinks, and get this out of my system so I can think clearly again. Maybe, I just want an excuse to visit some old friends at the club.